New beginnings

I was 11 years old the first time I thought that the world and everyone in it- especially my friends and family- would be much better off if I wasn't around.

One thing, one day is about depression and suicide prevention. When things are at their darkest- the medication doesn't work, therapy has lost, the clouds are thick and you truly believe that you are the worst person on the face of the planet- find one thing to get you through one more day. Tomorrow, hopefully things will be better. Or maybe you'll have to find another thing to get you through another day. Eventually a tomorrow will come when things are better again. Until the next time they're bad again and you have to find one thing again. There is no cure for depression. Just the long endless battles. I may have to find a Xena costume to wear on my worse days just to remind myself that I have to be a warrior.

This promises to be a hard blog for me to write. Mainly because I've avoided talking about my emotions for most of my life since people seem to be very uncomfortable when the answer to the question "how are you?" is anything other than "fine." But sometimes I'm very far from fine. In fact, most days, "fine" is such a distant dream that walking on the moon seems more achievable. And no, that's not ok, but it is my reality so I live with it and just get to tomorrow.

The passing of Robin Williams recently has thrown the issue of suicide and depression into the spotlight for a little while. And although the huge surge of social media posts laying blame and saying "get help" has seemed to subsided a bit, it still needs to be an issue that we aren't afraid to talk about, despite being a difficult subject.

Isn't that the kicker? People go around shouting "get help!" but we really need to talk, to be listened to, it seems there's scores of people around us with their thumbs on their foreheads saying, "not it!" So, when we feel like we're unimportant, worthless, useless, and scum, the very same people who claim to care reinforce that believe because talking about the negativity makes them uncomfortable. It's natural, but still creates a vicious cycle. And if you've ever tried to gt professional help, you probably know how that can push you even further into depression. Some people are lucky to find a therapist that they click with. After trying 6, I gave up. It's apparently not for me.

And neither are medications. I've tried a few, and hated them all. Sometimes it's necessary to get me through a particularly rough patch, but then the depression worsens when I notice all the weight I've gained and can't take it off. Or when I feel so completely removed from myself and reality. And the medication doesn't change how people respond to me.

So, I'll try this. Writing about my feelings in a public setting will probably prove to be hard, at least at first. And I really want to try to write every day. I've set that goal and failed several times over. Maybe it's another symptom of depression- constantly setting yourself up for disappointment. But, I'm making the goal anyway. My hope is that it will help me feel more in control of my emotions and my life, and also help others out there who might be feeling the same way at least feel not so alone. So if you do find help here, please let me know so we both can feel not so alone.

My one thing for today is my son. He's usually my one thing. He's on the autism spectrum, quite high functioning, but still a challenge. I couldn't think about leaving him with the belief that I abandoned him.